Velocipastor is Exactly the Movie You Think It Is


You know all those fake, over-the-top trailers in Grindhouse? That’s pretty much what Velocipastor is, except it runs for 75 minutes. Needless to say the movie won’t win any Oscars, but it is a lot of fun. It’s also a very acquired taste.

The plot, such as it is, involves a pastor traveling to China where he inherits the ability to turn into a raptor. Although horrified at first a hooker with a heart of gold eventually convinces him to use his new powers for good. Also there are ninjas. Honestly the whole plot feels like it was created by an ad lib generator.

Most of this would be forgivable if the film just made a bit more of an effort. To his credit Greg Cohan sells the dinosaur pastor fairly well but not enough to make the movie good. All the other actors seemed to have just graduated film school or came from the local community theater.

Then there’s the dinosaur. This film came out in 2018, almost three decades after the birth of CGI and Jurassic Park. It’s reached the point where Jurassic Park level effects can be done cheaply and at home. And while there’s something to be said for practical effects the dinosaur somehow looks like it was made by a fifth grader that had a lot of time and some paper mache.

And yet if you look at the trivia on the film it seems it was all intentional. Which changes things a bit. It’s one thing to make a bad movie and not know it, it’s another to make a bad movie on purpose. Everything in the movie is so batshit crazy it’s hard not to applaud it a little.

That’s not to say it’s an easy watch, it isn’t. But there’s a whole community of people out there that love bad movies and this is the perfect film for them. Should you watch it? With a name like Velocipastor you know exactly what you’re getting out of the gate so it’s really up to you. This is the kind of film made for 3 a.m. screenings on the SyFy Channel.