Movie
The Last Voyage of the Demeter: Double-knock on wood!
Adapted and written largely from the Captain’s Log chapter of Bram Stoker’s magnum opus Dracula, The Last Voyage of the Demeter tells the story of Dracula’s journey by ship from Carpathia to London, and what happened to her crew in the interim.
So here we are in Bulgaria, middle of 1897, and Captain Eliot (Liam Cunningham) of the Russian schooner Demeter is here to take on some strange cargo from some unknown client and transport it to Carfax Abbey in London. In need of some extra hands, the Captain sends out his capable Second Wojchek (David Dastmalchian) to scout for some, and initially the roving black doctor and aspiring philosopher Clemens (Corey Hawkins) is passed over in favor of more work-roughened men. The adorable cabin boy of the Demeter, Toby (Woody Norman), narrowly misses being crushed by the mysterious dragon-marked crates being loaded onto the ship, saved by Clemens himself and switched out with the superstitious sailors running from the Demeter like they had been poisoned by the sign of Dracul. And now, armed with some nine or so crewmen, Doc Clemens, and Captain Eliot himself, the twenty-four strange what looks like coffins adorned with dragon signs brought mostly safely aboard, the Demeter can make for open water and the Hell that awaits them there.
The duty of showing Clemens around the ship falls to a cheerful Toby, who proudly shows him the living areas, the Captain’s quarters, the very-large cargo hold, the galley and kitchen where the overly-devout Joseph (Jon Jon Briones) cooks the crews meals, the various above decks, even the sails, and the rigging are all at least touched on, and the livestock pens that Toby himself is in charge of, including the handsome good-boy doggy Huckleberry, or just Huck. We the audience get a very clear feeling of what it’s like to actually be aboard the Demeter, just how large she really is, and what living on a ship for months at sea is really like, the reality and practicality and the dangers of it.
Everyone more or less settles in for a hopefully uneventful voyage, taking mess around the common table and exchanging ideas or aspirations for when they arrive in London early thanks to the fair winds, and receive a handsome bonus for their troubles. But that involves being alive and making it to London to spend said bonus and pay, and the coffin crates spilling dark soil from the motherland and disgorging all sorts of other nasty secrets, have some serious plans to the contrary.
First, it’s the livestock, innocent and shrieking in their locked pens as a monster takes great furious bites out of their necks, and of course, the creature just straight up ruins poor doggy Huck. Then there’s the fully grown girl that gets dislodged from an open coffin-crate, covered in bite scars and as pale as death, she eventually starts interacting and talking after several blood transfusions from Doc Clemens, Toby learns her name is Anna (Aisling Franciosi). And then, as the weather turns foul and the winds begin to be a serious problem, the attacks turn toward the remaining humans onboard the Demeter.
Most people these days are familiar with Dracula, that gorgeous cunning vampire Elder who can supposedly transform into a bat or a wolf, seducing women to voluntarily offer up their veins like an unholy sacrament, a being at once beautiful and powerful, but also horrific and murderous if given half a heartbeat to smell your blood. This is not Dracula.
Instead, the creature that hunts the humans occupying the Demeter is an absolute monster, not a single human feature left to it, barely even recognizable as humanoid-shaped, instead boasting not just full-length bat wings but an entire exo-skin of bat membranes that can be used for feeding, a mouth full of needle-like teeth akin to a predator of the deepest darkest parts of the ocean, those yellowed Nosferatu eyes that will not tolerate light in any way, and of course giant pointy bat-ears. This is a thing, a grotesque straight from the depths of Hell, and no amount of glamor magic can make this Dracula (Javier Botet) seem like anything other than what he, is – a parasitic demon who only wants your blood. There is no reasoning with it, no trapping it, not even really any talking to it (kinda hard to talk when your throat has been ripped out), and, like the much more frightening Dracula stories of old, no amount of pure faith behind a symbol does anything other than give false hope.
Coming face to face with an actual abomination does different things to different people. The formerly delightfully foul-mouthed Abrams (Chris Walley) dissolves into a blubbering mess; poor Larsen (Martin Furulund) didn’t even get to see his own death coming; and it turns out Olgaren (Stefan Kapicic) wants to live so badly, he’ll suffer becoming a blank-eyed Renfield if that’s what it takes. All of Cook Joseph’s purported pure faith didn’t stop him from trying to take the coward’s way out and didn’t save him anyway when the sound of unnatural bat wings descended on him. I find that kind of irony delicious. Dear Anna, resigned to her fate to be eternal food for the horror that terrorized her village, nevertheless wants to try and save whoever is left of the Demeter with her own sacrifice, and there aren’t many. Wojchek of course wants to kill Dracula, but for all his logic and solid practical nature, has no experience whatsoever with this sort of thing, and sure doesn’t want to sacrifice the Demeter, the beloved ship he called home that was promised to him by Captain Eliot himself, in order to destroy that demon. Even poor sweet Toby isn’t safe from the creature’s clutches, and what happens to the cabin boy of the Demeter is what finally sends Captain Eliot over the blooming edge. And who could blame him? For this sort of thing to happen during the last voyage of such a proud, solid ship as the Demeter, is some serious bullsh*t.
To leave such a film open for a potential sequel, especially when called the last voyage of something, was a pretty hefty ask, and somehow the filmmakers managed it. I personally think a different version of Van Helsing, the infamous vampire hunter, teaming up with a certain black doctor who nurses a serious grudge against Dracula, could be a kickass sequel. Until then, experience the doomed final journey of the Demeter and her poor crew in all it’s bloodstained glory, in theaters now!
Violent Night (2022), starring David Harbour as a rugged, action hero Santa, delivers a wildly entertaining twist on holiday films. Combining dark humor, brutal action, and unexpected heart, the movie follows Santa as he defends a family held hostage on Christmas Eve. Harbor shines as a jaded yet surprisingly endearing Santa, bringing grit and charm to the role. The film’s blend of holiday magic and high-octane violence is reminiscent of Die Hard but with a festive twist.
Director Tommy Wirkola balances the chaotic fight scenes with moments of redemption and holiday spirit, creating a surprisingly satisfying narrative. While the film isn’t for traditionalists (its R-rating is well-earned), it’s perfect for fans of unconventional holiday fare.
Rating: 8/10: A bold, bloody, and refreshingly unique holiday film that’s destined to become a cult classic.
Movie
The Grinch vs. The Grinch: Jim Carrey vs. Benedict Cumberbatch – Who Played the Better Green Grump?
Dr. Seuss’s beloved character, the Grinch, has been brought to life in two iconic adaptations: Ron Howard’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), starring Jim Carrey, and Illumination’s The Grinch (2018), featuring the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch. While both films capture the essence of the Grinch’s transformation, their execution, tone, and performances make for an interesting comparison.
Jim Carrey’s Grinch (2000)
Ron Howard’s live-action adaptation is a bold, larger-than-life take on the classic tale. Jim Carrey’s portrayal is a masterclass in physical comedy and eccentricity. His Grinch is chaotic, sarcastic, and hilariously over-the-top, with Carrey’s boundless energy infusing the character with a manic charm that makes every scene memorable.
This version delves into the Grinch’s backstory, giving him a tragic childhood that explains his hatred for Whoville and Christmas. While this added depth works for some, others felt it detracted from the simplicity of the original story. The film’s whimsical production design and Danny Elfman’s score perfectly complement Carrey’s performance, but the humor occasionally skews more adult, which may alienate younger viewers.
Illumination’s The Grinch opts for a gentler, more family-friendly approach. Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice work offers a softer, more subdued interpretation of the character. This Grinch is more relatable and less cruel, making his eventual redemption feel heartwarming but less impactful.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s Grinch (2018)
The animation is visually stunning, capturing the colorful charm of Dr. Seuss’s world. The narrative sticks closer to the original book, with a few modern twists (like a subplot involving Cindy Lou Who’s quest to help her overworked single mom). Pharrell Williams’s narration and playful soundtrack give the film a contemporary vibe that resonates with children and families. However, Cumberbatch’s Grinch lacks the wild unpredictability that made Carrey’s performance unforgettable.
While both films have their merits, Jim Carrey’s Grinch stands out as the more iconic portrayal. Carrey’s physicality, comedic timing, and ability to humanize the character elevate the 2000 film, making it a definitive version for many fans. Benedict Cumberbatch’s Grinch, while charming and visually delightful, feels safer and less memorable in comparison.
Winner: Jim Carrey For its sheer energy, humor, and enduring impact, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) with Jim Carrey remains the ultimate Grinch experience.
A pair of loser best pals decide to crash the cool kid’s end-of-the-year bash, unaware that the whole computer virus Y2K craze is about to become horrifyingly real!
So Eli (Jaeden Martell) and Danny (Julian Dennison), the self-proclaimed “Sticky boys for life!”, basically have only each other. Typical high school boys, talk rather consistently about make-outs and sex and even trade a trophy Durex condom between them as their token “king of the make-outs moment” icon. They troll the local VHS video store and the stoner proprietor Garrett (director Kyle Mooney) for purported wisdom, endure bullying from the likes of CJ (Daniel Zolghadri) and Farkas (Eduardo Franco) and Soccer Chris (The Kid Laroi), and sadly many others, and inevitably Eli has happy hormone-laced dreams of being with closeted nerd and final girl Laura (Rachel Zegler). Eli’s parents Robin (Alicia Silverstone) and Howard (Tim Heidecker) are living their bygone days of being cool, fascinated by their still-new here in 1999 cellphones and dismissing concerns of this “Y2K nonsense”, while Danny’s mom Cheryl (Maureen Sebastian) really is super cool and breathlessly includes Danny in her Tae Bo kickboxing lessons.
Even after Laura and her crew of jock and popular kids decide to flat use Eli and Danny as cover for their oh-so-daring daylight robbery of a local convenience store’s liquor, our Sticky Boys are still compelled to go crash the last party of the year. Of course, Danny wants it far more than Eli, but still, hearing that Laura and her community college boyfriend Jonas (Mason Gooding) broke up and fortified with pilfered alcohol and derring-do, the Sticky Boys throw on their version of party clothes and hop aboard a bike, like a for-real lame-ass ten-speed bicycle or whatever, and give it a go!
It should come as absolutely no surprise that Danny turns out to be the way more social of our Sticky Boys, and while he means well, telling the story of how Eli came to be known as “piss-mouth” loudly at a high school party probably wasn’t the best idea. Seeing Danny finally get some make-outs as the clocks loudly begin counting down the new year is enough for Eli, but as he sullenly prepares to leave, things begin to take a massively unexpected turn!
Here in 2024 there are far too many things we rely on that happen to have computer chips or some kind of electronic equivalent in them, and while 1999 might have been less so, the Y2K virus that began small and maybe cute starts sucking up every last bit of electronica it can find and quickly goes murder-massacre on the kids in true Gremlins 2-style mayhem! Death by flung CDs, a la the bartender in Hellraiser III, if anybody besides me remembers that! Death by castrating drinks blender, ooooh nooo! The deaths just get more creative and insane, and Eli and a few fortunate survivors hoof it off to find someplace where the deadly Y2K virus can’t get at them!
The movie is full of nostalgia for the 90s music, particularly for the Limp Bizkit megahits that were everywhere then, which makes sense since Fred Durst himself has a giant cameo in the movie. The reveal of the conglomerated computer bad guy is very much like the amazing-for-the-time computer graphics of The Lawnmower Man, which hey, came out in 1992 too! And perhaps best of all, the showing of Y2K in my theater was hosted by the legendary Tony Hawke y’all. Full of remember-when tunes, fun practical-effects killer gags, and a huge “Hey, I did that too!”-style vibe, Y2K should be your new ring in the Happy New Year movie comedy, in theaters now!
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