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Snake Eyes – G.I. Joe Origins: We all lose this game

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Director: Robert Schwentke

Studio: Paramount Pictures
MPAA Rating: PG 13

No ninjas can stop all the spoilers!

The origin story of the notoriously silent G.I. Joe ninja loner, Snake Eyes (Henry Golding).

Inevitably, we begin our journey with Snakey as a nameless son, hiding out with his Father (Steven Allerick) in a sort of self-imposed witness protection. After a few moments of father-son bonding in the woods, this idyllic life is shattered when the bad guys come and execute his Father in a rather Cobra style, complete with dice-rolling and the pronouncement of, “Snake eyes – you lose!”

A flurry of kicks and punches later, we catch up with young man Snakey, engaging in cage-fights with Yakuza, being recruited by Yakuza boss Kenta (Takehiro Hira) to smuggle things into Los Angeles, and in general well on his merry way to getting himself killed for underworld interference, just like his Father. He’s even taken the name of his Father’s killer – Snake Eyes. And while it makes sense to have an animal predator name when trying to move through the Asian gangster world, it takes a special kind of psycho to take the name of your father’s murderer while you work on becoming strong enough to take them out.

After a botched execution command and a rather improbable save through a horde of Yakuza and cage fighters, Snakey makes the acquaintance of Tommy Arashikage (Andrew Koji), the heir apparent of the Arashikage ninja clan. And nothing would do but for Tommy to take Snakey back to the Arashikage clan compound and insist on having Snakey go through several trials to prove his worthiness of joining the Arashikage clan and becoming a ninja!

Or it would be if Snakey didn’t have the inevitable ulterior motives. As it turns out, minor spoilers that frankly we knew damn well were coming but anyway here we go, Snake Eyes is actually working for Kenta to take out the gemstone power source of the Arashikage ninja clan from within, and if he can manage that Kenta has promised him the name of his fathers killer. … Because everything Snakey has learned about the underworld being honorable so far still holds true, right? Right?!

About here we will begin dropping amusing anecdotes, things we’ve learned from watching ‘Snake Eyes’ already:

#1 Ninja are more honorable than Yakuza. At least, they think so.

#2 Everyone in Japan carries a sword apparently, openly, on the street, it’s like the necessary umbrella only much more deadly.

Here is also where we pause for reflection, as Snakey begins his testing to prove his body and mind worthy of becoming a ninja of the Arashikage clan, aided and goaded on often at the same time by the likes of Blind Master (Peter Mensah) and Hard Master (Iko Uwais). Those of us who knew and loved the G.I. Joe cartoons when we were young, or even liked the slapsticky live-action films that came out years back, know that Tommy Arashikage is destined to become Storm Shadow, one of Cobras’ elite warriors and Snake Eyes’ own personal nemesis. So this entire montage of anticipatory training and then testing in the Arashikage family compound is, while visually striking and even amusing to watch, an exercise in futility. And the three giant CGI anacondas guarding the Arashikage family treasure, the gemstone of power, that Snakey has to beat somehow or another, are a gleeful hop and a skip far past ridiculousness.

#3 Because if an ancient ninja clan is going to have a giant terrifying freaking anaconda snake as a test, might as well go whole-hog and have not one but three!

So Snakey has managed to throw everything into chaos, steal the gemstone of power of the Arashikage clan with the intention of giving it over to Kenta and, unbeknownst to him, the entire Cobra bad guy collective. Looks like it’s time for yet another improbable save and new-info-dump from everyone’s favorite lady Joe, Agent Scarlett (Samara Weaving)! And of course, the bad guys are consolidating their power with the dubious help of Cobra, which means introducing yet another beloved female character of the ‘G.I. Joe’ universe, that black bodysuit-wearing Cobra femme fatale known only as the Baroness (Ursula Corbero)!

#4 How could you guys do that to the Baroness’ hair? How?! It’s like her signature mane has been chopped short with a chainsaw and shellacked into not moving – ever!

Lots and lots of beautifully choreographed fighting ensues, aided by legendary ‘The Raid’ star Iko Uwais and Japan’s heavyweight stunt coordinator, Kenji Tanikagi, and that turns out to be one of the films saving graces. (It sure isn’t the convoluted and gaping-holed plot.) The interactions between Snakey and Tommy, as they both struggle for a place to hold their own, whether it’s the long ancient history of the Arashikage clans ascension or the fairly constant if the nagging presence of the long-standing counter-terrorism unit G.I. Joes and their enemies the Cobra collective, affecting Snakey’s entire family without realizing it, demonstrate the crushing weight of familial expectations and the common desire to break free. The trouble that neither Tommy nor Snakey want to acknowledge, is that some problems can’t actually be solved by gorgeously beating the snot out of it!

#5 BTW, Samara Weaving as Scarlett was a bomb choice, and she kicks serious ass for the few moments she’s sporadically on-screen when she’s not being used as a plot-drive clue-x4 device.

For a supposed soft reboot of the entire ‘G.I. Joe’ film universe, ‘Snake Eyes’ told as an origin story, present-tense explanatory break and even future presence is fraught with storytelling misses, plot holes, and “you’d automatically know this stuff if you were a real fan” moments, but, it is wonderfully shot and the fight scenes, of which there are a plethora of styles and gloriously cheeky moments, are great fun to watch!

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‘Abigail’: Bite Me Harder Tiny Dancer

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A gang of misfit kidnappers find their tiny target far more bloodthirsty than they bargained for! 

So, unfortunately, the trailers gave it away and let’s be real that’s why most of us are here, the knowledge that the kidnap victim Abigail (Alisha Weir), codenamed by the would-be kidnappers appropriately as ‘tiny dancer’, is in fact, a vampire. Not a spoiler, point of fact, one of the film’s actual great selling points. And the reactions from the misfit club when faced with a real actual f*cking vampire, range hilariously from the blunt “no such thing as vampires” all the way to, “Are we talking True Blood or Twilight rules or what?” all while covered in buckets and buckets of blood. 

Anyway, the gang manages to subdue and abscond with the aforementioned Abigail, in a pre-prepared duffle bag, like you do, and converge to a new location, a house oddly similar to the one she was just taken from. Welcomed and given codenames by a man who introduces himself as Lambert (Giancarlo Esposito), our misfit club is told to simply hold down the fort in this strange old house with the girl chained up in a room and one person to attend her, for twenty-four hours, and they’ll all get paid. 

As inevitable as the tides, the dopey druggie Dean (Angus Cloud) is the first to die, and we’re going to give that death-style points for inspiring terror right off the bat. The very controlling Frank (Dan Stevens, holy crap yes that is the guy from FXs Legion) is also of course the most suspicious – of everyone around him, sure, but also he himself is totes sus. We don’t learn terribly much about the musclebound tank who gets dubbed Peter (Kevin Durand), he’s your pretty typical little-brains-heart-of-gold muscle-for-hire any proper gang needs, right down to the bottle problem. Sammy (Kathryn Newton), well, even for being a purported hacker-type, she has, like, reality issues. Rickles (William Catlett), he’s arguably the most dangerous among them, ex-military and yet somehow here and involved in kidnapping for a few mills. Joey (Melissa Barrera) is our Final Girl, and though she has the inevitable problems in her recent past, she seems more capable of doing the hard thing and still somehow empathizing at the end of the day. Must be her burning desire to get back with her son. 

The fit hits the shan pretty quickly, and Abigail morphs from tiny dancer to tiny monster, though honestly, the way Abigail spoke the entire time in the film, if the ‘nappers had been paying close enough attention, would have been a solid clue. The performance from Alisha Weir as Abigail is incredible, as she literally dances a fine line between comedy, tragedy, and outright monstrosity. With a face full of makeup and the force of a tiny tornado to back it up, Weir brings to mind the great performances of the vampires in 30 Days of Night who saw the practicality in the need to trap their food, but also, play with it a bit first before feasting! Anything else would give away the absolute fun time that is Abigail, so you should go see it, out in theaters now!

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Scrubs Reunion: The Band Gets Back Together

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Fans of the beloved medical comedy series Scrubs were recently treated to a thrilling surprise when John C. McGinley, who portrayed the iconic Dr. Perry Cox, dropped a photo on Twitter hinting at a potential reunion project. The image, showing McGinley alongside his former co-stars, sparked a wave of excitement and speculation among fans who have been longing for more adventures with the beloved Sacred Heart Hospital staff.

While details about the reunion project are still scarce, the mere possibility of seeing the gang back together again has sent waves of nostalgia through fans who fondly remember the show’s original run from 2001 to 2010. Scrubs was not just a sitcom; it was a heartfelt exploration of friendship, love, and the chaotic world of medicine, all wrapped up in a quirky and often hilarious package.

At the heart of the show was the bromance between JD (played by Zach Braff) and Turk (played by Donald Faison), whose antics and deep bond served as the emotional anchor for the series. Their dynamic, along with the sage wisdom (and relentless sarcasm) of Dr. Cox, provided viewers with memorable moments that have stood the test of time.

As we eagerly await more news about the Scrubs reunion project, one thing is for sure: it’s time to dust off those old DVDs, rewatch our favorite episodes, and get ready to welcome back our favorite gang of doctors, nurses, and janitors for what promises to be a memorable reunion.

But Scrubs was more than just its main characters. The supporting cast, including the eccentric Janitor (played by Neil Flynn), the neurotic Elliot (played by Sarah Chalke), and the wise-cracking nurse Carla (played by Judy Reyes), each brought their own unique flavor to the show, creating a rich tapestry of characters that fans grew to love.

While the photo shared by McGinley has fueled speculation about what the reunion project might entail, whether it’s a one-off special, a new season, or something else entirely, one thing is certain: fans are eagerly awaiting any opportunity to dive back into the world of Sacred Heart Hospital.

In an age where reboots and revivals are commonplace, Scrubs stands out as a series that has the potential to recapture the magic that made it a fan favorite in the first place. With its blend of humor, heart, and unforgettable characters, a reunion project has the opportunity to not only satisfy longtime fans but also introduce a new generation to the joys of life at Sacred Heart.

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‘The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes’: Rebellion with a cause

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The story of the rise of Coriolanus Snow, from teenage Capital City pawn to rising Dictator of the Hunger Games! 

Apparently no one out here in post-apocalyptic Panem has heard of irony and so they name their children things like Coriolanus (Tom Blyth), Tigress, and further off in Hunger Games lore, after swamp plants like Katniss. Corio’s father was a legendary general and that is pretty much the only reason young Snow and his meager family of grandmother called Grandma’am (Fionnula Flanagan) and sister Tigress (Hunter Schafer) are tolerated here in the Capital City at all. 

Most of the snotty youngsters at the academy won’t let Snow forget how far his family has fallen, but he’s generally not concerned with them. What is concerning is the strong disapproval of the drugged-up Dean Casca Highbottom (Peter Dinklage) and the creepy attention of Dr. Volumnia Gaul (Viola Davis) as she lurks in the classroom sniffing out talent. The Dean feels very strongly the annual Hunger Games should end, while Gaul is violently adamant that not only do the Games continue, but that they get as much more attention as possible. And young Snow is stuck in the middle, when the yearly prize money normally awarded to the academy student with the best grades gets switched out for, you guessed it, the student that can make this years’ Hunger Games as entertaining as possible. 

Whilst the students are protesting this sudden change, the annual Reaping is about to commence, and big shock and surprise, Corio’s candidate from District 12 Lucy Grey Baird (Rachel Zegler) is chosen as a Tribute. This is where the film begins to really take off on musical wings, for as it turns out, Lucy Grey can sing. Boy, can that gal sing! She can sing, she can play guitar, she can work a crowd, she can calm things down, she can fire ‘em up too! And Corio, being no dummy himself, instantly plots ways to use his Tributes amazing voice to draw attention to her, and admittedly his own, plight! 

Though far too many people sneer at the idea, Corio takes his position as Mentor to his Tribute seriously enough to sneak onto the tram taking the Tributes to their habitat, which turns out to be a completely appropriate moniker, as this year the Tributes are held before the Hunger Games in a large zoo habitat so the weatherman ‘Lucky’ Flickerman (Jason Schwartzman), host of this years games, can MC the hell out of everything up close and personal! 

What happens at this years Hunger Games and the subsequent consequences to both Corio and Lucy Grey is actually only half the story, and the movie. Coriolanus has always had to be opportunistic, but learning to be absolutely ruthless when necessary under the tutelage of Dr. Gaul, who basically thinks it’s always best to be merciless, is an eye-opening education indeed.  Even after they’ve both been consigned to military service and his friend Sejanus Plinth (Josh Andres Rivera) decides to finally rebel, Corio and Sejanus continue to deceive each other and themselves, to accomplish their separate goals. Not even the love Corio swears he feels for Lucy Grey can save him, or them, from the adamant absolute necessity of the Hunger Games continuing. And after all that’s happened, Coriolanus Snow has gotten a terrific education in the best way to be the absolutely ruthless next Hunger Games advocate, and oh yeah, President of Panem. 

The movie does itself no favors by trying to stuff not one but two major storylines and a bunch of side storylines sadly introduced and then ignored, into the film. It would have been entirely possible to turn Ballads of Songbirds and Snakes into two different movies, separated between feathers and scales if you like, and do justice to the major storylines in both. Blyth gives a fine  performance as a young Coriolanus Snow, but the fact that President Snow is played by Donald Sutherland in all three of the Hunger Games films means Blyth has incredibly large shoes to fill. Rachel Zegler as Lucy Grey is absolute fire, and yes the actress did sing the songs in the film herself, including the Hunger Games franchise epic song, ‘The Hanging Tree’. Every time Lucy Grey opens her mouth and sheer soul-searing music comes out, it provides a distinct counterpoint to the soul-crushing ambition of Coriolanus Snow and further demonstrates the District and Caste separation Hunger Games is known for. And if, by the end of the film, Coriolanus Snow has come to agree that the Hunger Games must continue but perhaps under his own auspices, he has no one but himself to blame when another younger but still rebellious female blows it all up in his face! 

Choose rebellion or conformity for yourself in The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

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